As
everyone who has ever sought to enter into a loving and
committed relationship with another human being has learned,
the actual living out of that relationship can be fraught
with difficulties. Living in a loving relationship is
a gloriously complicated enterprise. And one of the things
that makes it so complicated is that we often think we
must make the other person in the relationship happy.
Trying to make someone else happy can certainly be compared
to the act of walking on a tightrope, a skill that takes
much, much practice.
Let's
assume for a moment, however, that you have had a great
deal of practice and are pretty accomplished at the art
of tight-rope walking. After all, most of us have been
in relationships of some sort for years and should have
learned most of the tricks by the time we are functioning
adults.
As
anyone who has been to a circus knows, the dangerous tightrope
walk is done under controlled circumstances. The rope
is inside a tent, so there are no weather vagaries to
deal with, and there is a good, strong safety net spanning
the entire length of the tightrope. Even the most experienced
performer falls frequently, especially when learning new
skills.
When
beginning to learn this skill, the tightrope is close
to the ground and there is a lot of support. Eventually,
it get higher and higher and the skills of the performer
becomes greater and greater. At some point, however, an
imbalance in the situation may lead to a tumble.
Now,
to keep to the comparison, let's make a list of demands
that are often placed on a relationship that is based
on making someone else happy. Unfortunately, those demands,
while they may seem innocent, may be causing just enough
imbalance in the situation to lead to a dangerous fall.
Pretend
with me for a while that the items in parenthesis happen
in parallel with the requests for attention and support,
that is, the requests to “make me happy.”
I
want you to be very interested in me and to show that
interest by frequent phone calls, with inquiries about
my life and work and family.
(Wind is starting to blow outside the enclosed
tent where the tightrope walker performs.)
I
want you to so desire to spend time with me that you often
arrange your schedule to make sure it matches mine so
we can be together with much frequency.
(A
rope-eating virus invisibly lands on the safety net and
begins to multiply.)
I
want you to be fully supportive of my own demanding work
that when I come home exhausted and uncommunicative, you
simply honor that with quietness and grace and then you
rub my shoulders and fix me a healthy snack and give me
adequate space before engaging in any other way.
(Circus
master decides to delight the onlookers by raising your
platform from which you step out onto the rope to the
highest level available-higher than you've ever walked).
I
want you to anticipate what I need without my having to
ask.
(Wind
picks up even more outside and begins to infiltrate some
weak spots in the canvas tent, bringing some slack to
what should be a very tight rope.)
I
want you to be grateful for the little tasks I do around
the house that make your life more comfortable.
(Tightrope
walker starts having trouble keeping his/her balance but
decides to keep going and not risk a loss of face by turning
back or asking for help or renegotiation.)
I
want to be adored spiritually, mentally, socially and
physically.
(Rope
eating virus weakens several spots in the safety net and
the increasing wind permits some of the virus particles
to land on the tightrope itself.)
I
want you to be completely understanding of all my moods,
and never try to fix me when I get into a down mood. However,
you should try to distract me, but be very understanding
if I snap at your proposed distractions.
(It
starts to pour rain outside and the canvas roof leaks.
Wind speed dramatically increases.)
I
want you to have a highly successful career but make sure
you have plenty of energy for me.
(Somebody's
blackberry goes off in the circus tent and warns of a
tornado in the immediate vicinity.)
I
want you to get much public recognition for your hard
work and for your salary to rise competitively as a result
of those recognitions.
(Rope
eating virus leaves several large spots of the safely
net radically weakened but the weakened areas are invisible.)
I
want you to completely open your heart mind and soul to
me and let me in whenever I want.
(Tent
poles begin to sway and rain lands on on the head of the
tightrope walker.)
I
want you to be physically and mentally healthy, taking
plenty of time for yourself as you need it, but being
sure to explain kindly to me when you need that time,
plus I want an ETA as to when that self-time will be over
and you can resume playing close attention to me.
(Audience
begins to panic and leave in droves. Rope eating virus
weakens the tightrope and it loses even more tension.)
I
want you to spill over with joy when you see me, and yet
see me off on my travels or other times away with support
and generosity. I also want you to miss me excruciatingly
while I'm gone, but to use your time well so you can concentrate
on me when I get back.
(Despite
heroic efforts and high skill level, the tightrope walker
falls, expecting to be caught by the safety net, but lands
on one of the weak areas. There is just enough intact
net to break the fall before the tightrope walker lands
on the ground. still alive, but greatly injured.)
Does
any of this sound familiar? It's the common problem with
so many relationships—each wants so much of the
other, but doesn't always see that by having those needs
met, they may be causing the other to crash. Personally,
I think one of the most dangerous phrases is the English
language is “I want to make you happy.” Or
even worse, “I'll do anything to make you happy.”
It
should never be our responsibility to make another person
happy. Happiness is a personal choice. When it becomes
dependent upon the actions of another, the ability to
make that choice is lost. Now, it is the actions of other
(or perceived actions of others, or even worse, the perceived
motives behind the perceived actions of others) that brings
happiness or unhappiness. When we start examining the
motives of others, we leave behind one of the greatest
definitions of love, “Love bears all things, believes
all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
If
love really believes all things, then love does not go
around suspiciously checking out the motives of others,
or trying to manipulate someone else to “meet our
needs,” but instead graciously puts up with anything,
operates out of trust, looks for the best, and keeps going
to the end. This is how we want God to love us. We would
serve that desire best by learning to do this for others.
